Image by HarryStueber on Pixabay

In this second part, we’re going to continue on this wave of personal development. We will take a look at the mechanism behind knowing (or not-knowing) that you have influence and how you can develop it, to take control over your life.

The Locus of Control

The locus of control, in short, is a belief about where influence lies. The external locus of control has been mentioned last week. If you have an internal locus of control, you believe influence (and thus the power to change things) lies within you.

Your locus of control influences your expectations about the results of your actions. As a result, the beliefs influence whether or not you take action. Thus, these beliefs have a big impact on you and your life [1].

It’s not about whether there’s truth in this - it’s about whether you let it determine your behavior. Maybe you don’t have it easy understanding a specific class. Do you like it and want to learn more about it, though? Do you just want a sufficient mark? You don’t have to give up on it; you can still put in effort.

In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, one of the best-selling personal development books of all time (for a good reason), Stephen Covey explores the idea of ‘Proactivity’. He summarizes is like this: “Between stimulus and response, man has the power to choose”.

Act, or be acted upon.

Covey outlines a few forms of determinism through which people may believe themselves and their lives to be stuck. Genetic determinism means you believe your life is the way it is because your genes cause you to act a certain way. Psychic determinism means you believe your life is as it is because of your past and how you were raised. Environmental determinism means you believe your direct surroundings in the moment cause you to act as you do, shaping your life.

Covey explains that, through the power of self-awareness, you can (mostly) still choose your actions. You don’t have to blindly follow the this - then that - then that current. You can pause, and think: ‘now what? What do I want? What do I value?’ and base your actions on that. We choose the things that controls us - by (either consciously or unconsciously) accepting them. Or we choose not to accept them and make our own decision.

Being reactive means you let the environment and the this-that-that pattern control you and determine how you act. Being proactive means you decide to take that pause, rejecting that something controls you, and then you respond. Covey calls that ‘being responsible’. If you choose to respond, rather than react, you’ll find you have a lot of power to achieve.

Image by Pexels on Pixabay

Does that mean you’re unlimited in your ability to do anything? Sadly, no. Even the man in the picture above, though he probably outruns more than 99% of people on the planet, won’t be able to win races in the Olympics (at least, until scientists develop prostheses that equal or outperform biological legs). And even the fastest man that has ever lived won’t be able to outrun a cheetah. And even a cheetah can’t cook an egg.

As a limited being, there will always be things you cannot do, or things you don’t have control over. As Covey calls it, these things fall outside of your ‘Circle of Influence’. You’ll have to accept what you truly cannot change. Worrying about it won’t help. However, there are many things in life that you can have an influence on - maybe more than you’d think.

Alfred Bandura, a psychologist known for his Social Learning Theory, spoke of ‘Reciproque Determinism’. Though our environment or situation has a definite influence on us, he explains, we also have influence over it. We can influence reality. You have influence on the world. Thus you have influence over your life. A changed life may just be a turn of the wheel away.

That is what it means to be proactive. That is an internal locus of control. This is the foundation of personal development - it is why Proactivity is Habit #1 out of 7 in Covey’s book.

Effects of your locus of control

There are predictable benefits to having an internal locus of control, compared to an external one. Julian Rotter, a cognitive psychologist, showed in 1990 a strong correlation between one’s locus of control, and one’s emotions and actions [2].

People with an internal locus of control tend to be healthier and living more conscientiously. These people tend to have more confidence, and can more easily allow others to come close to them [3]. Since they see themselves as able to influence their results, they usually also get better grades.

People with an external locus of control tend to smoke more, and more often partake in the lottery. They procrastinate more [4] and they are more often depressed than people with an internal locus of control. Simply put: they are at the mercy of the sea of life.

Image by Myriam Zilles on Pixabay

Let’s take the concept of ‘success’ as another example. People with an internal locus of control would believe something like ‘hard work leads to success’. They see something they want and turn the wheel. They set to work for it. That alone makes them more likely to succeed. If challenges pop up, they set out to overcome those. Proactive people themselves are the solution to their problems.

People with an external locus of control would believe something like ‘luck leads to success’. That’s why they’ll more often play the lottery—why put in effort if it won’t lead to anything? To them, life is a sea you cannot really steer. To them, the port they’ll drop anchor is up to the waves.

To make that even more relevant, think about the concept of an ‘extraordinary life’. Can you see how the orientation of your locus would influence that? For one, since it differs per person, we cannot tell you what it means. How would someone with an external locus of control handle that (if at all)? How might someone with an internal locus of control proactively go about handling that?

Developing a more internal locus of control

There’s a lot of patterns in life. A lot of ‘this, then that, then that’. It a pattern is helpful for you and your life, that’s great. If it’s not, it can be changed. You have an influence on the world - by being proactive you can break the pattern. Then you can choose how to act based on what you want and value.

If you already have an internal locus of control, this article serves to further strengthens that belief in yourself. If you tend to have a more external locus of control, you can see this article as an external source, and you can allow it to set you thinking and taking action.

Here are some things you could do to internalize your locus of control. Start with just one:

Become aware of your behaviour and language. Perhaps set some time apart every day to think about this. You could reflect on your day during the evening. Try to spot your reactive behaviour. See when you use reactive language (e.g. in a relationship: ‘she makes me so angry’, ‘we just don’t have chemistry’ or in business: ‘my boss doesn’t listen to me’ or ‘I just can’t work with this client’ and so on). Think about how you could change your language from reactive to proactive (e.g. ‘how can I respond to her?’ or ‘if my boss is busy, how could I reach her and quickly show why this is important?’).

In short: realize that there is something in your life you would like to change. Find out what it is you do want. Become aware of when your thoughts and actions (or your environment) don’t support what you want. Your locus of control is a belief, and if you have a strong enough reason or desire, you can change your beliefs. Wanting to find and chase your passion might be a reason like that.

So, whether the sea is calm or rough, the steering wheel is in your hands. You are the captain, and life is a giant ocean. ‘Tis only through the twists of thy will, that thine very own extraordinary destination may be found.

—to the Extraordinary, you

Sources

[1] Psychology: Core Concepts, Zimbardo, Weber & Johnson

[2] Internal versus external control of reinforcement: A case history of a variable, Rotter, 1990

[3] Palet van de Psychologie, Jakop Rigter, p.293

[4] The Effects of Locus of Control and Task Difficulty on Procrastination, Janssen & Carton, 1999

Image by garrett parker on unsplash

What makes a life Extraordinary? What would make your life worth living? What things do you have to do to achieve that? How will you do those things?

These are big, hairy questions, but they’re important. That’s why we ask them. We aim to help you use any hair-removal tool or mindset; to shave off whatever gets in the way of these questions. You’ll have to get a clear look at them, so that you can get a true answer. We teach different materials for this, step-by-step. Now, what step shall we take today...

How about the very first step? The one thing that comes before all self-improvement, and the foundation for personal development.

You have to know this before you can change your life… that sounds heavy, right?

Well, yes. But also, no.

Because it’s something you already know, yet you might’ve completely forgotten about it. No worries - in a couple of minutes you will have remembered. And it can change how you see the world, your place in it - and the possibility for an extraordinary life.

This lesson is perhaps the simplest lessons you’ve ever learned. It’s one of the earliest things you came to know in life. So let’s take a backwards trip, over the sea of time. Destination port: the time you were a baby.

~Back-in-timetravel noise~

Now then. Where are you? Who and what do you see around you? Imagine it for a bit. Do you see yourself? You’re a hairless, energetic little meatball. Like we all are as babies. You are full of potential, but without knowledge. You sleep, eat, burp, chirp, and poop, like a chipper mini-human does.

And at some point, you notice something.

You feel uncomfortable. You don’t know what it is, and you don’t know how to respond. You feel something well up from your tiny eyes and lungs - and you cry your little heart out. What happens after this transforms everything. Namely:

Someone comes.

And they lift you, gently, and coo for you and hold you, until the discomfort goes away. Perhaps they feed you. Change your diaper. Anything. And you are back to your chipper self, smiling and drooling - and on the edge of discovery.

Image by PublicDomainPictures on Pixabay

After this happens a couple of times, some neurons in your brain start ‘wiring’ together. You begin to see a pattern: you cry, and then you’ll get attention. Even if it doesn’t hold true 100% of the time. Through it, you begin to innately understand that you have influence on the world.

That’s the lesson. You have influence on the world.

Obviously, though, that’s not all there is to learn.

We move forward through time; faring back towards the harbor of the present but not there yet. Growing up you’re learning about the world; recognizing its patterns and “how it works”. After a while you’ll get used to the currents in your environment, and you start trying to navigate them. At times you’ll get into new situations; you may be uncertain at first but you learn. From your own experience, and from the examples and explanations of others. Eventually you become competent enough to navigate the patterns.

Look at you. You are the captain now!

Being in the captain’s position, though, there are two traps that you should become aware of.

Trap number one:

The patterns of the world may (start to) seem fixed and out of your reach. You’re taught that “this is how you sail the sea - and no other way.” This, then that, then that. Whether in education, business or in life, most patterns seem to be set. It’s called: “That’s just how it works”.

Trap number two:

Though people are largely similar, they are also unique. The patterns in your environment may not support who you are or what you want. For instance, let’s say you are a dancer (or an artist, or an athlete, or an entrepreneur, …) at heart. Growing up you’ve always been told to do what’s logical and that you should choose a study that will get you a good and stable job. You can see the clash.

So why are these traps? That’s because, if you believe that “the world just works this way” and it doesn’t work favorably for you, then you are stuck. Since you are the captain - thus the one responsible for your life - you will most likely stick with what you know. You’ll navigate the patterns you are aware of, even if they don’t lead to your best outcome. This, then that, then that. Then an unfulfilled life.

That port that calls your heart remains unvisited. You may not even realize it exists.

Image by Markus Christ on Pixabay

Feeling like the environment has power over you - feeling that the ability to change things doesn’t lie within you - is known as having an ‘external locus of control’ in psychology. If you cry about that as a captain, no-one will gently pick you up and coo for you. However, you don’t have to get lost in the waters of familiarity. Do you remember the very first lesson you learned? It still holds true:

You have influence on the world.

That is unchanged.

It’s your hands on the wheel. Even if others have mapped out the environment and told you which way to point the rudder, you get to steer. If you realize that, you can break through almost any pattern, and steer towards a better port.

In the second part of this article, we’ll get more into what the locus of control is, what it means to have an internal locus of control and how to shift from an external one to having a more internal one.

-To the Extraordinary, you

I was sitting on a park bench two years ago, trying desperately to think about nothing. I wanted to meditate, and the idea of meditation was to let go of the mind so it could relax, right? My first attempt at this ended with me thinking “what a pointless and impossible exercise”. How wrong I was.

Fast forward to the present day: I now meditate 10 minutes every morning, and I consider it to be one of my most important daily rituals. Allow me to tell you how I built this habit and why meditation is so vital for your ability to focus.

The shift in my attitude towards meditation came when I heard that Yuval Noah Harari, historian and author of Sapiens (and arguably the greatest modern-day visionary), meditated 2 hours per day. “Fascinating,” I thought, “but of course if you’re a best-selling author without a ‘normal’ day job; you have all the time in the world to laze around and relax.”

However, when I read into the reasoning behind his meditation practice, detailed in his latest book (21 Lessons for the 21st Century), I finally understood why building this habit is so important in our modern world. He explains that his practice was motivated by the realisation that “If I can’t observe the reality of my own breath for 10 seconds, how can I hope to observe the reality of the global economic system?” Reading this, I started to think this wasn’t just true for economics, but for life itself.

One of the biggest challenges we each face on a daily basis is information overload. A continuous bombardment of notifications on our phones, email alerts on our computers and advertisements everywhere we look. When we open any ad-based app and many free websites, we plug ourselves into the Matrix, as part of the attention economy. Any tech company with an ad-based revenue model designs its services with the primary objective of keeping your attention for as long as possible. Social media platforms, regardless of their mission of ‘meaningful connections’, are no exception.

But maybe you don’t really use social media and you disabled your WhatsApp notifications (which I highly recommend). Still, that doesn’t protect us from all the other influential stimuli present in our environment. For example, if I tell you now that, whatever you do, DO NOT think about a pink penguin walking through your front door, you will probably fail. This is because we are not fully in control of our thoughts. Rather than thinking about what to feed the penguin or how you’d react when it appeared on your doorstep, if you are able to refocus on the details of this article you will have succeeded. You will have taken back control of your mind.

The same goes for taking control over our attention, which the external environment is desperately trying to wrestle away from us. Meditation is not about relaxing our mind; it’s about training it. Taking back control over the mind to limit its manipulation by all the stimuli in our environment. It’s about unplugging yourself at will from the social media matrix and liberating your mind from thinking about pink penguins. Being in charge of your mind to make your own decisions for your future.

Science has recently produced a number of studies that support these anecdotes and suggest incredible benefits of meditation. Research points to an enhancement of our productivity, quality of our relationships and sense of self-worth. Neuroscientists have even proven its ability to alter our brain structure - enhancing parts of the brain responsible for memory and learning, and reducing the size of the amygdala and the fear and anxiety it produces.

With incredible apps like Headspace or Calm, meditation has been slowly going mainstream for the past couple of years. It has arguably even been rebranded as ‘mindfulness’. Gone are the days when meditation was seen as purely a thing for monks, sitting cross-legged at the top of a mountain for days on end. It’s becoming more understood as a rational, scientific solution to information overload. And now anyone can do it, sitting normally on a comfy chair for 10 minutes.

Want to get started with meditation, or build up a more consistent habit? I’m still on this journey myself, but as always, let me share with you three tips:

Get an app. Gamifying the process with a kind voice to guide you will make it easier to get started and motivate you to continue. I recommend the free Take Ten trial of Headspace. (Side note: I’m often told that I sound like the Headspace guy, when I do visualisation exercises in our Extraordinary Life workshops - we actually grew-up in nearby UK cities).Set a consistent time and place. Building new habits is about creating routine. I recommend doing it in the morning after showering, so you have the full-day benefits and reduce the risk of falling back to sleep. Choose a spot at home where you won’t be disturbed and not somewhere that you associate with other activities, like working or sleeping. Get an accountability partner. When we set actions at the end of our workshops, we always get people to partner up, to share those actions with each other. You can create a feeling of accountability by sharing your new habit with a friend - maybe even deciding to start on this journey together. I found exchanging screenshots of the completion message after a meditation session to be a simple yet effective method for this.

I’m very interested to hear how you get on with these tips, so feel free to drop a comment below. And I bet many of you have some experiences with meditation that others could learn from, so feel free to share!

In the words of Yuval Noah Harari, I hope that you can “closely observe your mind and body, witness the ceaseless arising and passing of all your feelings, and realise how pointless it is to pursue them. When the pursuit stops, the mind becomes very relaxed, clear and satisfied.”

Finally, if you take away anything from this blog, understand that meditation is about training your mind to enhance focus and self-control. It’s no longer just a fluffy, spiritual ritual - it is a scientifically proven practice for enhancing the overall quality of our life.

Over the past month, I read and then re-read a book that has fundamentally changed how I see what it means to be human. The Awakened Ape investigates the life of hunter-gatherers and explores how we can integrate elements of their prehistoric lifestyle into our modern way of living. Its underlying premise is that our biology has not had the time to evolve since our transition to agriculture that ultimately spawned our lifestyle today. Therefore, to live a more fulfilling life, we should consider satisfying our biological needs as hunter gatherers.

Besides living in small communities, hunting in the wilderness and not using soap (all ideas that go beyond the scope of this blog), one key lifestyle element that fascinated me was the amount of time they spent on the move. Hunter-gatherers, as the name suggests, would spend perhaps 3-4 hours per day hunting and gathering; roaming around the environment. Tracking deer and collecting berries was their “work”.

Contrast that to our working lives. Assuming you have an office job like I do, you probably spend at least 8 hours a day sitting at your desk or in meetings. Then perhaps 1 hour or more sat down during your commute, another 2 hours eating, 1 hour watching TV… you get the idea. We spend a lot of time sitting down.

A strong recommendation of the book was thus to spend more time being active. And that doesn’t mean running marathons, or going to the gym every day - those concepts were unknown to hunter gatherers. Physical activity can be something that almost everyone can do: standing up, or even better; walking. Naturally, I didn’t want to just follow the advice of one resource; so I did some googling and found out that Steve Jobs swore by walking meetings, integrating them in his work routine. This is something my boss and I do occasionally, stepping out of the Maastoren and walking along the Erasmusbrug; the beautiful swan-like structure that connects the two sides of Rotterdam.

I read further and discovered a wonderful quote by the great German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche: “All truly great thoughts are conceived by walking.” This suggestion that physical activity enhances your cognitive functioning is also backed up by science. Provocative studies have even produced findings that for every hour sat down, your life shortens by 22 minutes.

The abundance of evidence from various sources had me convinced. So for the past two weeks, I have been attempting to integrate walking or standing into my daily routine, wherever possible. To make standing up the new default, instead of sitting down.

Looking at my routine as an office worker, my calendar was filled with meetings - apparently the average for this type of work is 62 meetings per month. So I thought, why not change the default sitting meeting into walking meetings? My new rule is that – unless you need to write on a whiteboard, show something on your laptop or the weather is awful (summer is a great time to start this): walk! I found this makes for more open and productive conversations; whether brainstorming for a creativity event I’m facilitating, interviewing a potential new team member, or sharing project updates. One time my meeting at 16:30 turned into walking one of my colleagues to the front door of their house.

This works just as well for phone meetings, assuming I can stay clear of the Dutch wind. Gazing at new environments as I explore the city has a way of sparking my creativity, whilst making me more relaxed and thus able to communicate more smoothly. There’s a reason people pace up and down whilst on the phone - it actually helps them think!

In my private life, I’ve started taking morning walks along the park next to my apartment. I’m combining that with learning French on an app and finding a bench to stop and meditate halfway through (a topic for another blog). Rather than meeting with a friend in a café, I now choose to meet at a park and walk through the treeline. Being active in nature, as our biology wants us to.

Even at home; I’ve thought about how I can make standing up the new default. My hidden hobby is singing whilst playing acoustic guitar – I used to sit on the couch to do this, but I made myself a guitar strap and now do this standing up, pretending like I’m a real performer on stage. I haven’t started standing up during my date night dinners yet – otherwise my girlfriend probably wouldn’t stick around much longer. But we do enjoy long digestive walks during sunset, where we have the best discussions.

So, assuming I’ve piqued your interest, how can you integrate walking (or standing) into your daily routine?

Try-out walking meetings. Before a low-key meeting (preferably) on a sunny day, convince your colleagues to get some fresh air. From my experience, they’ll be much more open to the idea than you expect!Walk during phone calls. If you’re in a conference call, catching up with friends, or Skyping family; there’s often no real reason why you need to sit down. Walk and talk!Start your day with a morning stroll. Even if it’s just for 10 minutes before breakfast, throw on some shoes and walk around your neighbourhood. Social media can be checked without needing to be in bed. The natural light and physical activity will help wake you up too.

These tips are all very simple, but super effective! Let me know how you get on with them and I’m also eager to learn from any routines you have to make standing up the new default. Right, I’m off to purchase a standing desk. I’ve been sitting down typing this blog for far too long.

What do you think these boxes represent?

Hey… we need to talk. Don’t worry, it’s nothing too bad, probably. I’ve just had a realisation and I think you should hear it. It’s about the time we have on this planet.

I get it, that sounds heavy. It’s not something we tend to think about, or perhaps we even try to not-think about it. We want to enjoy our time, right? For me, last Thursday evening I was watching a well-made travel show. Friday evening I was hanging out with some friends just talking. I’m guessing that’s recognisable for you. Maybe you went out during the weekend; maybe you watched a movie, read a book, chilled with friends or family… You probably spent your time in a pretty good way. I feel like I did. But here’s my question:

Is ‘pretty good’ good enough?

I ask this question because time slips through our fingers so quickly. It’s the water of life we can never capture. It’s so easy to get lost in the ‘little things’ in life. To forget that the clock is ticking, and that the water of life is dripping away into a deep, unreachable cavern.

When I get lost in that immersive travel documentary, I don’t even realise that at the end of it two hours have gone by. It doesn’t feel like that. It feels like I’m on an island on the other side of the world, with a family of five people who have the island to themselves. That’s a pretty alright way to enjoy my time.

But if I’m truly honest with myself? I could’ve done without it. I could’ve spent my time in a different way that would have fulfilled me more deeply. If I had I would still be happy that I’d spent my time that way. Now I just feel meh about it.

Daily life is just set up in a way that makes it easy to get lost in these things. We don’t really have to think about deep topics on a regular basis or ever, really. By default, we tend not to think about the important things in life.

There’s nothing wrong with that per se. It’s not your fault either. Perhaps focusing on more immediate, less ‘important’ things comes as a side effect of being human. However the fact that we are human means life can offer us so much more than just ‘enjoyable’ or ‘alright’ ways to spend our time. You can spend your free time in a way that’s deeply fulfilling to you. And the same goes for the time you spend working.

That seems to be another default: people not liking, even dreading, their work. Yet you can make your work, your life; the way you spend time, more meaningful and fulfilling by asking yourself the important questions. And that may be heavy; it may cost some time; it may be scary. But I want to show you why it’s much scarier not-to ask yourself those questions. With an exercise from Extraordinary Life’s most impactful session, I want to help you step out of default mode and step onto the road towards a more fulfilling life.

The Boxes

We usually do this exercise in-person. For maximum effect right now, follow the next few steps. Grab a pen and a piece of paper or open an application like paint on your computer.

Step one

Draw the figure at the beginning of this post. Think about what the boxes might represent. This article is a clue. Ready to see the answer? Go to the next step.

Step two

Answer: those eight boxes represent your life. One box stands for 10 years, as our average life expectancy is around 80 years. Maybe you can already guess what we’re about to do next - we’re going to fill in some of these boxes.

Step three

First off, draw a line relative to where you’re already at in life. I’ll give you an example. I’m 24 at the time I’m writing this. Each box is 10 years so I’m drawing a line about 2,4 boxes in (A). Then I fill in what came before that line (B).

AB

What’s next? Well, let’s say you sleep 8 hours a day (which is healthy). That’s one third of your whole day - if you do that every day that means you sleep one third of your life. So draw another line at a third of what you have left and fill it what came before it.

Next; you’ll spend quite some time during your days on activities you cannot really skip. They include eating, household chores, caring for the needs of others, commuting, bathroom-related activities (hopefully at least a shower) and so on. That’s another third you can cross out. What you have left now is time to do stuff. Including work, you also need to do that in this time. If you have yet to enter the job market, your work will take around 10 years of your life. So.

How does that make you feel?

Does it make you feel happy? Sad? Shocked, or confused, or frustrated? Your reaction will tell you about what you think of those years you have left. And I think we can agree that we want to spend our time in a way that’s meaningful to us. You can make the standard daily activities more meaningful, but that’s not why I’m here. I’m here to talk about work.

If you don’t create a meaningful working life, it’s going to cost you. You won’t enjoy your work; you won’t have enough energy left at the end of the day to do much beside enjoying your time in an alright way, perhaps watching some Netflix show. You might end up disliking work so much that it even messes with your weekend. Saturday will be alright but sunday… Sunday is the day before monday. And you’ll hate monday.

If work is such a big part of our life, it should be meaningful. It should energize you, so that the you enjoy going to work, you enjoy working, and you have energy left at the end of the day to feel tuly good, have fun and spend quality time with friends or family. If you want both your work and your time off-work to be fulfilling, you need to find out what you value. And to do that, you’ll have to ask yourself the important questions. What is it you want from life? What is it you want to contribute to?

You won’t have to do that alone either. This realisation about the importance of our working lives is exactly why Extraordinary Life was founded. We believe that working lives can and should be meaningful, fulfilling and energizing. Not only that: Extraordinary Life stands for a work-life integration. This comes from an attitude towards work as an integral and crucial part of your life. The right mentality will help you balance your work and everything else in such a way that you can optimally experience a life you find meaningful. Extraordinary Life aims to help people with these things by providing clear guidance, support and a community of people striving for better lives.

So. Like I said at the beginning: It’s probably nothing too bad, though this can be heavy.

At whatever point you are in life, if you’ve enjoyed much of your time that’s good. I’m not trying to say that time spent in an ‘alright’ way is wasted. It can be definitely be fun to chill, watch a show or do whatever you quite enjoy doing. I just wish to bring awareness to how easy it is to spend a lot of time doing that. The same goes for work.

If you do work you don’t really (or at all?) enjoy, that’s about a ten-year bite from your life. A whole box, gone. And it’ll impact other boxes, for instance the quality of your time spent with family, as well. On the other hand, if you enjoy your work - if it’s fulfilling and meaningful to you - that’s a whole box of feeling good and truly enjoying what you do. . It’ll become possible to integrate your work into your whole life rather than seeing it as something separate. And that will affect the other boxes also, in a more positive way.

Now it’s up to you to make a choice, because you do have a choice. There's no law that states 'alright' has to be the default way we experience life. So will you ask yourself the impactful questions? Will you find out if the way you’re living fulfills you as much as humanly possible? Will you take the step to change things if that isn’t the case? I know I will, and I hope you’ll join us in that. It’s possible.

Let’s take the deep dive.

_____

Photo by Sourav Mishra from Pexels

Do you know the sound of an achievement that’s being celebrated? It sounds a bit like this:

-clink-

That’s right; it’s the high-pitched ringing of fine glass-on-fine glass. That’s what achievement sounds like. It’s worth noting that if there’s not something real being celebrated the sound will be different. There won’t be actual champagne in the glass (or it’ll be sour!).

Monday, March 25th of 2019, was an evening for a real celebration. It marked the crossing of Extraordinary Life into a new territory: We’ve officially given more than 10,000 impactful experiences to people. With people. The counter had precariously idled on 4 digits, exactly 9999 experiences, just the evening before.

The EL team and some ambitious spirits from our tribe gathered for a Powwow, our monthly bonding and personal development event. Insightfully led by Sillian, we had a stimulating and nurturing evening together, laughing and listening, expressing and learning. And together we moved past that line. We added a digit to our impact.

Then we celebrated. We’re very grateful that we were able to do this and we’re grateful for the people we’ve achieved this with. But not for a single moment did we lose our focus. We never thought ‘we’ve done well, let’s take it easy now’. We were and are still hungry, soweasked ourselves a question that you can ask for yourself, for your team, or for your business:

What about the next digit?

What will it look like?

What can be improved; where should you add a digit? If adding a digit means taking your life from a one digit number like 7 to a two digits number: 10, what does that look like? If it means 10X’ing your impact, what does your ultimate impact look like?

For us, adding a digit to our impact means 100,000 experiences. It's a worthwhile goal to us, so we’re going to keep moving forwards. Keep your eyes on the prize, but don’t forget to also wonder:

How much is that next digit worth?

This is about why you’d ‘go the extra digit’. What will that outcome mean to you, to those in your life, to your team or your organisation? That extra-digit outcome must be worth the process it’d take to reach it. If you think it might not be, get back to the drawing table and think how you can make your goal quality grade in the two-digits: 10. Lastly;

How will you get there?

If you have a clear goal and it’s worthwhile to you, you’ll need to know how you can make it happen. You need to see where you’re at and plan. Maybe you have to up your effort from an 8 to a 10. You can always do more, though you must have concrete reasons for doing so - a.k.a. a worthy goal. Break down your goal into smaller goals. Set monthly goals that will lead up to your yearly goals. Set weekly goals that’ll lead to your monthly goals; set daily goals… you get the picture. If those smaller goals realistically lead to your bigger goals you won’t only have a clearer, more motivating plan in front of you. You’ll also have indicators you can use to measure your progress. Did you achieve the daily goal? Why, or why not? Did you achieve the weekly goal? If not, what smaller goal did you miss out on? Stay on top of it. Stay hungry for that next digit.

That being said, we have one specific suggestion for you to take your life to the next-digit level: Surround yourself with inspirational people with whom you strive for ameaningful goal. Perhaps you know some such people - they'll be fantastic to be around. Whether you do or don't know such people, Extraordinary Life is offering you a chance to get with more people like that right now.

We’re looking to take our impact to the next level, meaning 100,000 powerful, impactful experiences. For and with a tonne of people. This is a goal we’re all putting our hearts in, and working towards this is filling our hearts right back up. We’re gaining experiences, confidence and skills that can help us elevate the lives of others as well as those of our own. And we’re having an absolute blast doing it! However, we cannot reach the next level with just the six of us - so we’re looking for new members for our team.

If you desire to 10X your positive impact on the world; if you wish to work with a team that will make you feel welcome from day one, a team that will also hold you accountable for your own goals in life and that will push you and help you grow beyond what you thought possible, this might be an extraordinaryopportunity for you (and for us!) To learn more, go to our Join uspage (also in the navigation bar up top) or join our Recruitment Drinks.

Why join Extraordinary Life?

We feel it is absolutely critical to bring awareness to people. Work doesn’t have to be something you do only so you can afford to ‘live’ during the weekends. Work can be a sincere and meaningful part of your life you enjoy. We believe it should be.

That’s why we do what we do.

That’s why we wholeheartedly want to reach our next goal: 100,000 people impacted for the better, through our sessions, tribe events, other events and our coaching.

Thank you if you’ve come this far reading; you'll know what comes next.

Find out what you really want.

Plan for that extra digit. And...

Go for it!

(Picture from our Tribe Powwow)

_____

Cover photo by rawpixel.com from Pexels

As I was standing in front of 100 students listening to stories of the impact they were making in their communities, I realised I was going to learn much more from Ugandans than they would from me.

Last December, I went on a trip of a life-time – my first time to sub-Saharan Africa. In our inter-connected world, I was contacted on LinkedIn last summer by the founder of Engage All Africa, a young charity based in Eastern Uganda. Seeing our shared passions of empowering youth, I decided to spend 9 days there, giving Extraordinary Life sessions at universities, visiting local communities, speaking at a final of a football tournament and even being a judge in a local singing and dance contest. Whilst they invited Steffie Broere (from the Extraordinary Life team) and I over to impact them, they impacted us even more.

On our first day, we visited Nkumba University to deliver our Inner Beast session, focused on empowering students to discover and unleash their authentic selves – their inner beasts. When we give this session around Western-Europe, participants are generally focused on first achieving their own individualistic success or happiness, with their contribution to the community being an afterthought. However, here I was pleasantly surprised to see how attendees prioritised supporting their fellow Ugandans – this was their definition of meaningful work! They wanted to start social businesses, enhance sanitation in school bathrooms and teach local farmers about their rights.

This goes against the conventional view from Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs that essentially necessitates people to follow flight safety procedures and “put your own oxygen mask on first, before helping others”.

To support people within our sessions to explore the impact they want to make, we always use the UN Sustainable Development Goals as a thought-provoking proxy. In a developing country, these goals have very concrete, visible effects in the daily life experiences of the participants. A striking example was one of a young woman who shared her story of how her sister had HIV and despite the doctor’s advice, breastfed her new-born baby and gave it the disease too. This really made it sink in that whether these goals are reached or not in the coming years will affect the lives of billions.

From my short time there, I questioned why Ugandans were focused on helping those in their community. After reflection and a bit of research, I realised a key reason might be their relatively collectivistic culture. We assume our individualism to be the norm without questioning it, until we are exposed to a different way of living. In the book Sapiens that tells the history of humankind, it is explained how over the past two centuries in the Western world, the role of the family has gradually been eroded - replaced by states and companies. In the Netherlands, almost the whole population went to a state school, have healthcare provided by the system and leave their families each morning to go to work. The independence and uniqueness of the individual is emphasised over the community.

In Uganda, it’s a different story. Whilst most children go to primary school, according to UNICEF, less than 20% can afford to attend secondary school, so they learn from their family and village elders. If they get sick, they first turn to the community to care for them, then if they’re lucky can visit a local health clinic. And 82% of the rural population work with their families as farmers. The blood of the community still flows through every key aspect of their lives.

An example of the power of community were the multiple visits we had to the local Busia dance group sponsored by Engage All Africa. We were welcomed into their practice room to see them train. They ranged in age from 13 – 18 and lived in the area around the town, with different living conditions. Some lived in what were essentially mud huts, couldn’t afford to go to school and had only recently been given proper shoes to dance in. Despite these individual challenges, when they came together to perform as a group, they were magnificent. Incredibly talented, happy teenagers, who cared for each other. The synergy of their performance and joy they felt together could only be achieved when they were with each other. This was their community.

In many developed nations, we judge success primarily as accumulating wealth (as discussed in a previous article I wrote), rather than nurturing our relationships that form our community. As an economics graduate, I was trained to judge the prosperity and thus implicitly happiness, of a country by its GDP per capita (in layman’s terms, essentially the average yearly income.) With Uganda scoring 606 USD per capita, 11th lowest globally, by Western definitions one would expect to experience a country with a lot of problems and unhappiness. (Source: World Bank)

However, when questioning the quality of life of Ugandans, I was told by Agnes Nansereko (Founder of Engage All Africa) that “as long as they have their health and don’t go to bed hungry, then they’re happy.” I believe that this is partly a result of their strong communal bonds. Harvard University’s pioneering 75 year longitudinal study found that the single most important factor for happiness is not money, it’s the quality of our relationships.

The clothes we wear, the home we live in and the technology we own is comparatively unimportant. So let’s get off our high horse and understand that other supposedly 'less developed' countries have a life that is just as wonderful as our own. Don’t get me wrong, of course there are a lot of problems in Uganda and other developing countries that you see on the news or hear about in charity appeals, but do not be surprised if a majority of these populations are satisfied with their lives. Their community supports them to get through challenges that we could not imagine having to deal with.

In contrast, our individualism has led to preventable problems of our own making in wealthy developed nations. Low self-esteem, anxiety and loneliness kill vastly more people than terrorism or homicide. We have lost sight of the importance of meaningful relationships.

Now, assuming you are convinced of the power of community, how can you develop this in your own life?

1. Take time to be part of local community activities. With our Extraordinary Life Tribe, Toastmasters Rotterdam (a public speaking club) and innovation community at Deloitte, I feel part of something bigger than myself, building meaningful relationships. Why not join an association, or take up a new group hobby to connect with others that share your interests?

2. Never eat alone - plan regular dinners with friends and loved ones. I always have a packed schedule day and evening; by choice. Planning time with people you care about is as important as attending to your work obligations. Everyone has to eat anyway, so why not eat together (at home is even cosier!).

3. Proactively cultivate your relationships – be the person to spontaneously call-up someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Sure, they haven’t messaged you in ages, but relationships are a two-way thing and you have the ability to nurture the ones you care about. Living an international lifestyle, many people have come and gone geographically, but I’ve always found a way to keep in touch with the friends that matter. Why not make that call?

Thank you Uganda, Agnes and Engage All Africa for showing us the power of community. I very much look forward to continuing to work with you as Global Partner & Ambassador. And I’m sure there is a lot more I will learn from you.

Are you excited to inspire people to live meaningful working lives? Do you want to be part of a young startup based in Rotterdam? Do you have a passion for social media (and therefore spend most of your study time on your phone rather on your new school project)? And are you willing to dedicate one day a week to gaining valuable experience? Wait no longer, we have a wonderful opportunity for you!

Responsibilities

Managing Social Media pages

LinkedIn

Instagram

Facebook

Creating content for the social media pages and making sure there is a consistent flow in our posting.Evaluating which produced content will be used where.Coordinating with content creators on what is needed for social media; you’re not afraid to coach us on this topic.Tracking and analysing the results of our output: how can we reach more people, and have higher engagement rates?We highly encourage finding and following your passions; therefore we would like to hear if you have other areas where you want to work in; we are always open to new ideas!

Time Commitment

For now we foresee that this role will take up 4 to 8 hours per week. Of course this depends on your experience + how many awesome ideas you can bring to the table. You will have a lot of freedom to design this role, but can count on the support of the rest of the Extraordinary Life team whenever needed. This role is part of our marketing committee, however for now you will report to Nienke, our brand builder.

Who are we looking for?

Social Media enthusiastWith a hands on mentalityPassion for Extraordinary Life and its beliefs; we provide the tools and mindset to live a meaningful working life. A student based in Rotterdam (HBO/WO)

Can’t wait to start?

We’d love to hear from you! Please send an email to tribe@extraordinarylife.eu with your CV + a small introduction about yourself. The deadline for application is Monday the 18th of February.

We have all been there: you go to an interesting event on the cutting edge topic of your line of work. At the counter, a warm welcome and name tag greet you. The lectures leave an inspiring impression, making you eager to integrate the acquired knowledge in your daily business. At that point, you see the next topic on the agenda: Networking Drinks. Some see this as an opportunity. Most of us see it as forced interactions between people boasting about their business achievements, one-upping each other and exchange business cards or LinkedIn-info to never contact one another again. This latter mindset prevents you from making a genuine connection with interesting and like-minded people that share your vision, which is the whole idea of the networking drinks in the first place.

One of the key drivers to success in both your professional and personal life is having a strong network of people who you can trust and depend on. Networking is important, but how to go about it can be a challenge. To help you make an actual connection at your next event (instead of just adding another card to the pile in the corner of your bag that needs some serious cleaning), here are several tips:

1. Quality over quantity

Don’t work the room, look for an honest connection. Engage with the first person you see who you think is interesting. If you do not feel a click after your initial interaction with someone, be polite about your departure and move on. This might seem contradictory in the spirit of networking, but the actual goal is being selective in who you connect with whilst being discretionary about the way you move from person to person. If networking itself seems daunting, remember this: just one quality conversation is what it takes to make it a successful networking event. If that did not happen, nothing to worry about, on to the next event.

2. Be a good listener

Being a good listener means actively listening without acting on your urge to have a word in every time you feel you have something to say, rather than being silent the entire interaction and just nodding along. . This way of interacting helps to build rapport and trust with your conversation partner, two of the most important things in social interactions and building relationships. One last thing to keep in mind is: people will not remember everything you said, but they will remember how you made them feel.

3. Be generous and give, don’t just take

Think rather of ways on how you can give value to others like relevant knowledge or sharing your contacts, so that they get interested in helping you. A great example on how to go about this can be found in a video by the guys of Charisma On Command. There is little that people find more annoying about networking events than people who are just there for themselves and are not in any way looking to help others or bring value to the table. These people do have their own value: they are a good group to practice your discreet departures on.

4. Follow up on a nice interaction

When you enjoyed the interaction with someone, set up a reason for a follow-up meeting at the end of it. This ensures that both of you know there is going to be a time to reconnect. This does not mean you have to get back to them 2 hours after the event has ended, but 2 weeks might be pushing it as well. Send them an invitation within a few days for coffee to discuss ideas and ways you could strengthen each other’s businesses. You are not only taking, but giving as well after all.

Doing the above allows you to build honest, sincere long-term relationships that bring value to both parties. Even though you might not stay in touch with everyone for years on end, maintaining your relations helps generate leads in times you least expect them to. Integrity, sincerity and keeping your promises are important in this respect, as they show you are a trustworthy person that people will come back to when they have something of value for you. Value is not only knowledge or connections you can share, but being a sound board for ideas and helping your personal development as well.

So take your chance with striking up a first conversation next time at a networking event. Who knows what good things will come of it.

Kevin van der Meijden (30) has a broad orientation and set of interests, which is reflected in both his personal and professional life. Following his BA Japanstudies, MA Political & Social History and MSc Public Administration in Leiden, he started his working life as patent information officer at the University of Leiden, followed by subsidy consultancy, and currently project management and organization consultancy at Deloitte. His main interests lie in making/writing/producing/listening to music, sports in the form of football/yoga/fitness, and personal development through meditating/reading/writing/discussing/visiting cultural events and debates. Upon meeting Extraordinary Life's founder Tom Marshall, Kevin wanted to contribute to the cause and try his hands on a new challenge: writing a blog for EL, in which being your authentic self in your work environment is the central theme. He's always up for a good cup of coffee and a discussion, for which you can contact him through LinkedIn.

Last week we talked about how being extraordinary is a habit. Like any skill it can be acquired. Being extraordinary is not something that’s given, it’s obtained. There are fundamental habits present in our lives, which we are aware of. Or not.

One of these habits, or in fact a necessity of life, is our diet. We have to eat. There is no denying that. But what most seem to miss is the fact that as any habit, our diet is in our control. And we can tweak it just enough to meet our desires.

The reason we talked about diet is because it is a habit that has positive consequences for other habits in our lives.

This week we talk about another powerful habit. Again, most of us already have this one.

Of course I’m talking about exercise. To grasp the importance of exercise and general bodily movement, let’s do a quick mental exercise.

The chair you’re sitting in right now, reading this article, you are not to leave it. You have to stay put. For how long? Let’s say ten minutes. How does that make you feel? Let’s say an hour. And now? Let’s say you’re not allowed to leave your chair for the whole day. You must get the picture by now.

Movement is also a necessity for us. We need it. We thrive with it. As any important facet of our lives, once we remove it, we see the significance of it.

With this simple thought experiment we know now that we need to do the opposite of sitting still. We need to move. Moving our body makes us feel good.

Action leads to emotions. Positive emotions.

A lot of successful people in the world understand the benefits of exercise. They exercise daily. They made it a habit. Once it is a habit, you dont have to think about it. You just do it.

Not moving can be a deadly silent bad habit. That’s why we have to tweak it. Just like our diets. By simply introducing small changes the momentum to start exercising can occur.

Most of us have the excuse of not having enough time, or not being able to access a gym. For those people:

You can always go for a run, do some stretching or yoga, or some push and pullups.

Try going for a run:

-Put on your running shoes. That’s the start, to signal your brain to move. Then just walk around the block. Just to get moving. Then walk for five minutes. You’ll soon feel like walking or running more. Try some light exercise: -Do five pushups a day. Try to do one more each day. You’ll reach a certain plateau, and fitness. We all have time for this, right?

Try some yoga: -Look up one yoga-pose. Do this one move. Perfect it. You’ll soon want to learn more. The key is not to get fit. The key is to start moving. The key is to kickstart the habit of moving. A habit of moving now means a fit body in the future. Standing still, over time, can mean a step backwards. Always keep moving.

Kev

We are what we repeatedly do.Being extraordinary then is not an act, but a habit. This quote is actually from Aristotle, the Ancient Greek philosopher. I paraphrased him, for our extraordinary purposes. He talked about excellence, we usually about being extraordinary. These traits are similar.

Most of us know, intuitively, this quote to have a source of truth. If not, to be true completely. We all have those habits that define us. Pause for a second, and think of something you have been doing for a long time. Maybe your whole life. This can be a good, or bad thing. An example might be: You have been playing a musical instrument for a long time. Think back. When you started you werent very good, maybe you were bad. But now, after all that time practicing, you might be very good. At least you’re not bad anymore. You’re better than you used to be. This is all because of that habit. The habit of constant practice. And this applies to almost anything. Things that can make your life better. Improve it. Make it extraordinary. Today we talk about one habit that influences almost all other facets and habits of the rest of our lives. I’m talking about our diet. Another quick thought experiment: Think of a time you felt bad. Really really bad. Life sucked. What did you eat back then? Chances are you ate junk. You ate food that isnt very healthy but you did it anyway to feel good.You ate comfort food because you needed comfort. But now when you think about it. The opposite of this holds significance, too. When you feel good, you eat good. You eat clean. You eat a well balanced meal. We’re not going to explore what to eat. There are many a blogposts on that on the interwebs. This is just the simple reminder that being healthy, or just healthier to keep it fundamental, starts with eating healthier.

The state of being healthier, which is in a way being more extraordinary as a human being, is a habit.Being healthy is a habit.

And with this habit a cycle begins. You feel good, you eat good. You eat good, you feel better. You feel better, who knows what you can achieve then? That’s up to you! But the trick about achieving greatness, or anything for that matter is you have to be in the state to be able to accomplish the things you want.

It’s about getting in the right state of mind. And there arent many things that can influence your life as impactfully as your diet. Be it a good, or poor one.

So next time you feel bad, and you want a cookie, dont eat the cookie. Try to go for something healthy. Break the chain. It’s time to start a new habit. Cause you know what:A new habit now. A better you in the future. And who doesnt like a better self?

Kev

Imagine yourself in jail. Behind bars, cast away from light and society. Away from the things you love. Your favorite food. Your favorite activities. Sport or dancing. All of that. Strip that all away. How does that make you feel?

I imagine you not feeling well would be a serious understatement. But luckily, this was just a thought exercise. In fact, an exercise of gratitude. Which is quite common these days on the web.

How did I stumbled upon this exercise? I kinda made it up…

I was researching motivation, and trying to motivate myself. Listening to music. Then I wondered why the lyrics of singers and rappers hold such power. The source of the power was a certain scarcity in the life of the artists. And a longing for more.This is not going to be my future! Then I saw a video clip, with the artist singing behind bars. And I felt his pain and grief. His desire to make himself a better person. To domore. To be more. I felt all that and more. I realized that when you hit rock bottom, the only way left is up. Then it struck me. I wasnt in jail. I wasnt even doing that bad. I was just having one of those grinding days. But the mental exercise of me in jail, stripped away from all the possibilities in life, made me realize all the chances I have left. It made me feel grateful, for all the chances I have left. It made me feel alive. It made me feel free. To do and be whatever I want to do and be. Whenever and wherever I want that. Prison is an ultimate expression of having nothing left. All you have left is you. And that you is constantly being watched. I’ve been told you cant even go to the bathroom by yourself. You are not free. If there was a word that meant the exact opposite of freedom it would be prison.

Right here is our lesson: Thinking that you have nothing left enables us to realize the possibility of the chances we have left.

The suffering ends when the gratitude begins. This is where life begins. When you mentally strip yourself from your freedom, and then when you end the mental exercise and come back, you realize in fact that all your ordinary days are Extraordinary days. They always were and always will be.

Kev

I love Spartans. They lived and stood and fought and died. Like warriors. For things they believed in. When was the last time you stood for something?Fought for something? Let alone had the intention to DIE for something? To be Extraordinary you have to question your life on a daily basis. Ask yourself the tough questions. If you just form thoughts in reaction to others their questions, if you just ask the easy questions, you wont know yourself. You wont self-express. And when you dont self-express fully, you wont be free. Spartans were free. Lived and died, in line with their beliefs. How did they know what they believed in? They asked themselves the hard questions. This culture of fighters showed me something I’d never seen before in my life. Showed the two most endearing traits I hold in the highest of esteems. Bravery and brotherhood.Which is about fighting for something you stand for, with the persons you want to fight for. If you know what you’ll fight for, if you know who you’ll fight for, you’ll know what matters. And what doesnt. And when you know the difference you can live the way you want to live. FREE. That is the Spartan way. Ahoo! Kev

I dont have friends. I have family. For those fans of the Fast franchise this is a fabled line said by the lead Dom Toretto. It’s cheesy as hell but we love it. For those in the unknown: the lead cares deeply and fondly about family. It is the main character’s driving force, for the choices and decisions he makes. On the outside, cliché all around in this quote. But if we remove the curtain, we can see something. Something potent. Another lesson for an Extraordinary Life. First off, in a lot of psychological studies and personal development circles it is said: We are the average of our social circles. Or, even more known, we are the average of the five people around us. Aha, now think about the five people who you talk to most. Your friends, your besties, your BF, and GF, and all those. So? Are they poison that taint your well, or are they like the sweet nectar of the gods that make you blossom with energy each and every second of the day? For most, I can predict the answer. The thing is, we unconsciously make friends. We dont choose them. Which is okay. Until it’s not. We’ve all been there. People dragging you down. And this is not about cutting them loose, or ditching them. This is about new opportunities to make friends. To actively, and consciously, with your sane rational mind, bond and connect with people you really love. I believe that is the way to the core of the quote that Dom Toretto dropped on us. To the core of true connection and value. And meaning and purpose. Cuz it really is there. Value and meaning. It is there with and inside people. I truly believe that. You just have to spot the right ones. And if you do, dig deep. And you’ll find the everlasting fountain of joy that’ll keep giving throughout your Extraordinary Life. Good people. The gift that keeps giving. Kev

Failure. F-a-i-l-u-r-e. I hate it. Hate the word. Hate everything about it. Who doesn’t actually?

The thing is: Our perception of failure is what makes it hurt. Makes it sting. More than any bee, more than any needle. But what if I tell you that failure is a necessary ingredient for an extraordinary life. Now let’s take a look at how I perceive failure. At least, how I made myself perceive it. Forced myself, really. My brother always say my mind is very dichotomic. Just my fancy way of saying: I think in terms of wins and losses. Winning. Or losing. You know, I didn’t start it. It started me. Life did it. Life makes you win or lose. You win, or lose. Nowadays, because all the trials and tribulations, I very much think like that. Because I have to. There is no other way. It is rooted in my rational decision-making process. Should I do this? Or that? Go for this or that? Will I come out on top? Can I win this or that? If I were to lose, what will be the backlash? If I were to win, how would that feel? Now coming back to failure. If you do something, you can win. Or lose. Or fail. That’s where it starts to get real. Failure is where the hurt starts, and you stop doing shit. Cause let’s face it, you don’t wanna. You lose motivation. Cause you got bitchslapped in da face by life. Sometimes it’s worse. You get gutpunched right in the soft spot. Your heart. Emotional pain can be much worse than physical pain. But failure is where the trial starts. Your trial starts. You have to take that failure. And learn. You really have to apply your conscious rational detached unemotional mind to it. And learn from it. So that it’s not win or lose. But win or learn.Every loss can set you up for a win. If you let it. If you force it. If you make it so. If you create it so. Creating means conscious choice.You choose to make your failure today, to be a win tomorrow. Every failure is a chance to be brave. To step up. To take the adversity, and make it mold you. Into something new. Shiny and glorious. Extraordinary. Let’s go deeper and darker, and talk about when it gets worse than worse. The worst kind of failure is a near win. Where you’re JUST shy of reaching your goal. And the thing you wanted so badly you’d sell your soul for to the nearest Crossroads Demon gets ripped away right in front of your eyes. The thing you’d die for. You’d put your head on the blade for it. You’d hammer your head on a stake for it. You know what I mean. You know these things. You feel it, and have felt it. But again, even here, at the down-end of the dark spiral of failure is where the trial ends.In the darkness of failure is where the triumph starts. Without darkness light does not exist. No trial, no triumph. This is where you flip the switch. In the dark, you turn on the light. Yeah, you. You decide. Triumph starts when you stop calling it failures. It starts when you stop using the word. Indefinitely. Triumph starts when you learn.Triumph starts with near wins. Are you failing? Good. You’re almost there. Just keep going. Stay Extraordinary! Kev

Achieving an extraordinary life you might achieve solo. However, surrounding yourself with like-minded extraordinary people might be the key ingredient you’ve been missing in your life. I’ll demonstrate this with an anecdote from my travels. But first, some philosophy. Cause you know, some stories never begin at the beginning. Greek philosopher Heraclitus said, You can never step in the same river twice. From that, I say something which we know in our hearts: The same place is not the same place when we return. Now why’s that? I think it has to do with you as a person, and the persons you’re with that define your experience while traveling to a place. Let’s start with you. You are one person now. Moments later, days and weeks and months later, you’re somebody else. At least I hope you are, growing and getting better and all. If you’re not, if you’re getting worse, you’re going backwards. But even then you’re somebody else, too.

Time molds you constantly. In a weird but profound sense, you are a river. Constantly changing. Never in one place, with your body. Or with your mind.Your body and mind are in a perpetual state of change.

Now the other people. You visit place A alone. You get experience X. You visit place A again, but with people. You get experience Y. A whole other experience, if I’m still right.

Now comes the fun part. I noticed you get experience Z, when you bring different people the third time to Place A. There are endless combinations. Because there are endless you’s and endless other persons you can bring to endless places. Now let’s forget all the x and y and z and A shit, and focus everything into the big secret I promised. The trick is to be your best self, and bring your best people. To the best places. Then you’ll get the best experiences. That’s it.

I promised a tidbit of a story, if you’re still with me.

I went to Bruges in my life three times. Once when I was younger, before I was twenty. With my parents and my brother.

I have almost no memories of this visit. It was boring. The city was drab. It was cold. The streets wet. Didn’t meet interesting people. Just the classic euro city visit. Refrigerator magnet obtained. Photo’s taken. All that. However, no memories.

Second time I went on a bus with expats, on my own. Didn’t know anybody. Made new friends on the bus. Met interesting people. And the sun was out. The streets glistening, and I made a lot of interesting photos with people.

The end result? Lots of lasting memories. Why? People.I have found that an extraordinary life and the memories of it is founded on extraordinary people in your life.

Now the piece de resistance. My stuck up of way of saying: the climax.

You know, the part where Michael Bay blows up all the Decepticons. The detective explains the murder mystery. The last second of Blade Runner. The third time I went to Bruges I’ll never forget. For two reasons.

First off, I went there for the second time in a span of two months. And I figured it was going to be boring, since I’d seen it already.

But the thing is. It wasn’t.

The second reason, which is symbiotically linked to the first, are the people who were with me then. They had a whole other look on the place. Liked to visit stuff I hadnt seen before. I even went to the same stuff with them. It still was different. It felt different. Different people make places different. Extraordinary people make places extraordinary. What if your life could be filled with extraordinary places? That'd be awesome, right? How do you do that? Simple: Surround yourself with extraordinary people.

So, next time you end up traveling somewhere, you know what to do. Take people with you. And preferably, those special extraordinary ones.

The best brings out the best. In you. And the places you visit. Stay Extraordinary!

Kev

An extraordinary life is not all sunshine and rainbows. I believe that in order to achieve anything extraordinary you have to suffer. Therefore, for an extraordinary life, your life has to have some kind of suffering. In one form or another. You might think this is bullshit, but hear me out. It will get clear by the end. If it isnt, well, tough luck and thank you for reading, and do enjoy your life without suffering. To be extraordinary you have to understand the concept of, Suffer to suffer less. Suffer, to suffer less. Sounds Zen-ish, right? Probably because it is. But I heard it the first time in an interview out of the mouth of the former UFC Welterweight Champion Georges St. Pierre. GSP as shorthand. What is UFC? Ultimate Fighting Championship, which is where people punch the shit out of each other for money. Two people face each other in a ring. They fight. They believe themselves to be warriors. In a way there are, in other ways they arent. In most ways I think they are. GSP studied karate and Zen and Buddhism and the way of the warrior. Samurai shit. Just your general all purpose bad-assery. In fact he created his own extraordinary lifestyle, fighting for a living, so he is free to do whatever the hell he wants. Funding one’s own freedom. I diggit. He fights and suffers, to be able to fund his own extraordinary life, where is free and able to do what he wants, and where he suffers less. So, according to Zen and GSP: Suffering is the currency for freedom, and in a way for an extraordinary life. In the interview, he explained the concept ‘suffer to suffer less’ further:

GSP believed that a certain healthy amount of suffering sets a benchmark. One knows how much one can take. Then if something comes along, and is below that level of suffering, you feel at ease. Not in stress. You can interpret this concept in many ways. Even though, I know most of y’all would’ve already bounced after that first sentence. Suffer?? Yuck. Why in God’s name would I do that! Let me drop a truthbomb on ya. In one way or another, you are going to suffer. Eventually. Be it mildly. Or badly. Or it might be ticklish. Or why-the-hell-is-this-happening-to-me batshit crazy bad. So yeah, welcome to the Suffering. Which might sound like a bad oneliner, but really it is a way of living. A warrior’s way of living. When you train, you suffer but you get stronger. You set that threshold. Below it, you suffer less, you are at ease. Above it, you suffer more. So you have to keep training yourself. Keep increasing your tolerance of suffering. A quick summary: Training is suffering. The next time, you suffer less. Gettit? Now, like my engineering professor always used to say, Start from the end result you want, and trace it back to a question, and from there find the solution to your problem.

The desired end result in our case: Our own extraordinary life. The question: How do we achieve that extraordinary life?

The answer to this is simple:Suffer. It sounds simple. But it is most definitely not easy. If life and shit and adversities and external impediments, make you suffer. Then how do you suffer less? By suffering. Create your own tolerance for suffering. Set that threshold. Get in front of it. Anticipate what kind of suffering is coming, and brace yourself. Train yourself. Steel your mind, callous your body, toughen your heart, and strengthen your soul. You are like a warrior general in a castle in winter under siege. Behind safety of your fortress walls. For now. The safety is temporary. This safety is not guaranteed. Therefore, fortify your walls. Because you might never know when the enemy ramps up the pressure. And if you never suffer, then how will you know if you’re extraordinary?

Kev

We all know that life is short, but how many of us really think about how we are spending the time we have on this planet? Through my understanding of strategy, in combination with my passion for self-development, I have realised that we all need a Strategy For Living.

4 STEPS TO DEVELOP YOUR STRATEGY

Formulate your Life Goals

To get what we truly want and escape from the warmth of our comfort zones, we must first find out what we want. We must look deep into ourselves and reflect upon the things that we want from life; the feelings you want to have each day and the experiences you need to have to get those feelings. For me, I find that setting goals for myself helps me to accomplish things that I never used to think were possible.

Allocate Your time

Make deliberate decisions to choose the activities that you will devote time to, and just as importantly, choose the activities that you will not do. Cut out the activities that don’t significantly contribute to your life goals. Does watching the news contribute to my happiness? Do I really enjoy spending time with these people, or do I just hang out with them because I’ve known them for a while? Making these decisions is tough, but remember that choosing to do one thing inherently means that you have chosen not to do something else. I personally find it hugely liberating to

make these conscious decisions and be in control of my own life, rather than

being constantly hit by whatever happens to cross my path.

Optimise your chosen activities

Now that you have chosen how to spend your time, think about how you can gain greater pleasure and success from these activities. Allow yourself to dream about your perfect experiences; ask yourself “what’s possible?” - break down your mental barriers. You could, for instance, think about how to improve that night out with friends, your productivity in your job or how to reduce the time required for household chores. Personally, I think a lot about how I can improve the time I spend with family and friends, to build

more meaningful and deeper relationships.

Grow and develop

You have thought about what you would need to do to optimise your activities, but you might think this is very difficult or not possible for you. That’s normal. Changing and optimising your own life is difficult and requires you to grow. I didn’t used to have the confidence to share my ideas with friends and family, let alone write this blog or set-up Extraordinary Life Sessions. Think about how you need to grow to get the most from life, whether that be learning to better connect with others, learning a new language, or becoming more self-aware.

The journey continues: continuous self-reflection

Any worthy strategy, whether for your own life or for a company, requires you to monitor its success and effectiveness. Are these goals what I really want, or are they just pre-defined by society? Am I sure that these activities are truly making me happy? Have I chosen the right areas for growth? All of these questions require continous self-reflection, to ensure you are making the right decisions.

Intelligent, happy people are those who have the mental strength and self-awareness to make the big decisions that change their lives. So empower yourself and live the extaordinary life that you’ve always wanted. Create your Strategy For Living.

I’m really interested to hear your thoughts about your strategy and the decisions that you are considering! What are your life goals and how will you change how you allocate your time?

Your extraordinary life begins with motivation. Or so you might think?

Motivation is fickle. Meaning it comes and goes. Most rely on motivation in some form or another. Today I’m here to tell you that’s BS. Today I’m here to talk about the alternative. When we’re down, things are not going well, or we feel stressed, we watch a short fun clip on YouTube. About cats or cute little babies. Or baby pandas. I love those. Or even better. You watch a motivational video. Where they just talk, and you listen. You get hyped up. But you do nothing. You’re not getting better. You’re just getting fired up. Temporarily. What now, if you constantly get fatigued or bummed out? Are you going to chill on YouTube the WHOLE day? Of course the answer is no. If you werent thinking that… The thing is that kind of motivation doesnt last. It is transient. It is like a candy bar. You consume it, you get energy. But five seconds later you already want more. What you need, is something more lasting. More potent. Broadly speaking there are two types of motivations. External motivations, and intrinsic ones. External ones actually speak for themselves. They are presented from OUTSIDE you. They usually come in the form of some kind of physical reward:

Candy. Money. Status. Friends. Muscles. Whatever. You get the picture. But trust me those things won’t get you jumping out of your bed each morning. Not at four am anyways. And especially not on a Monday, when it’s freezingly cold, and sloshing with rain outside. Hell, you just wanna curl up in a ball, and stay in your bed, stay inside all day. Who doesnt? Shit! Now let’s talk about the other motivational type: Intrinsic motivation. Intrinsic means something that comes from INSIDE. This type of motivation doesnt have a physical appearance. It’s abstract. It’s an idea. You cant touch it. And usually you cant see it as well. You can only see the specter of it. In your mind. In your heart. And because of the fact that it’s shapeless, it’s indestructible. It is as strong and weak as you allow your idea to be. Wield it, and you’ll be invincible. Some call it a DRIVE. A burning passion. A purpose on our planet. A reason for living. Others call it: your WHY. The reason why you exist, and do the things you do in life. Why you get up in the morning, and dont want to sleep at night. That yearning fire that blazes your path towards your dreams and goals. Setting the world alight, with your heart’s desires. In the end, we all have a slightly different naming for it. But in general we know what we’re talking about. So I’m not talking about motivation. This is something beyond it. Beyond motivation. So, when things are going bad, things arent going THAT great. Just go inside yourself. And find your fire. Find your why. Touch it. Re-lit yourself. Re-lit the moment you're in. Burn away the negative, and kindle your positive mindset. And re-lit your whole day. And if you can fire yourself up, day by day, you will blaze your own personal path to your extraordinary life.

Have a good one! Kev